The Redeemed Household – Pt 2

And it’s interesting that the
passage at hand this morning fits right along with that little
mini announcement. There’s an ongoing marvel in
our world. It never really stops. It passes
uninterrupted from generation to generation. It is the steady,
ever-flowing stream called parenting. Before one generation passes,
another comes along and on and on and on it goes. And there’s
a recurring set of emotions that emerges with that same regularity. It’s almost cyclical. Experience,
criticism, Intentionality, reality, humility. That’s how it goes. Experience, criticism, intentionality,
reality, and humility. And it starts all over again.
Each new generation experiences life being parented, They observe
or really are impacted by mistakes and shortfalls by their parents. They observe and they make criticisms
and often rightfully so. They experience things that are
not right. Clumsiness, foolishness, harshness. They observe these and they determine
in their hearts not to make these same parenting mistakes again. There’s nothing wrong with that
kind of intentionality, but by God’s grace in time, they take
a spouse and by God’s grace, they are gifted a child or multiple
children. And then, reality. begins to set in. Challenges
emerge. Difficulties come. A little bundle
of joy begins to develop a personality and habits, tendencies, all of
which must be managed and directed. And inevitably, mistakes are
made. Sin emerges, both in the child
and in the parent. Tempers flare. Words are exchanged. Patterns develop. Attitudes become
hardened. And sometime after the cold winds
of reality, humility follows along. We weren’t going to be like our
parents. We weren’t going to say or do the things that they
did. We were going to be different.
Every generation is the same. Just one more tick of the ever-moving
wheel that never stops. Another generation of parents
begetting another generation of parents. Another cycle of
experience, criticism, intentionality, reality, and humility. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Salvation in Christ offers new hope of breaking the cycle. We
may well do a better job by God’s grace than our parents did. But
even the most godly parents will come into their own parenting
with experience. experience brought forward from
their own upbringing. And with it, criticisms of the
way their parents did it. And with that, an intentionality
to do things differently. And with that, reality and humility
are inevitable. That’s the cycle. It never stops. It just passes uninterrupted
from generation to generation, the steady, ever-flowing stream
of parenting. The Apostle Paul knew this cycle. Likely not from his own parenting
experience. We don’t know him to be a married
man. But certainly as one who was
parented, he must have at least been aware of the difficulties
and hardships that he, as an unredeemed child, presented to
his own parents. and he likely knew their shortcomings
and mistakes as well. But rather than just helplessly
standing back, watching the generational wheel churn forward, Paul purposed
to offer helps and correctives to Christian families. The redeemed
family does not have to be a place of strife. The redeemed family
does not have to be a place of friction and failure. The redeemed
family does not have to be a place of anger and heartache. A Christian,
whether the child or the parent or both, can indeed break the
cycle. Maybe not perfectly, but they
can flourish. A family of believers in Christ
can achieve a measure of victory and joy. A Christian family can
glorify God. And that’s the focus of Paul’s
second grouping that we’ve seen in these past weeks. We saw last
week the grouping of wives and husbands This week, we take a
look at children and fathers, and next Lord’s Day, Lord willing,
we’ll look at slaves and masters. If you would, turn to Colossians
chapter three, if you haven’t already, and find your way down
to verse 20, Colossians 3, 20, and just two verses this morning,
20 and 21. Children, be obedient to your
parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not
lose heart.” The words are few in these verses, but the subject
and the wisdom imputed are grand Paul here does add several important
thoughts in the parallel passage in Ephesians. And so I’d like
to do what we did last week, put a marker here in Colossians
and another in Ephesians chapter 6. We’ll flip back and forth
occasionally. Ephesians chapter 6, if you would,
for the moment. And you’ll see how remarkably
similar these passages begin and end. It’s the middle portion
that adds some detail. Ephesians chapter six and just
verses one through four. Children, obey your parents in
the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother,
which is the first commandment with a promise that it may be
well with you and that you may live long on the earth. And fathers,
do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in
the discipline and instruction of the Lord. As I said, The passages
are certainly parallel, but a much fuller account here in the Ephesians
passage. The opening statements are identical.
And there are additional thoughts and words that echo each other,
but there’s a good deal of material here in Ephesians 6 that will
add to our study of Colossians 3, 20 and 21. And so we’ll flip
back and forth if you put a bulletin or a marker here. But for now,
if you would go back to Colossians chapter 3. Let’s start with verse
20 and with Paul’s address to children. As we saw last week,
Paul begins his discussion with each grouping with the weaker
of the two, the wife versus the husband, the child versus the
father, the slave versus the master. Here he begins with children,
and he calls out these younger members of the Christian family,
just as he does with all of the members, and he calls them out
for a specifically fitted address. children be obedient to your
parents in all things. This probably came as a bit of
a surprise to the children of the Colossian Bible Church. To even be recognized in that
culture would have been surprising, and then to be formally addressed
would have been remarkable. In that culture, as in most cultures,
children are not at the forefront. Instead, usually they’re not
even included in conversation. They’re to be seen and not heard.
That was the typical attitude towards children and the first
century world. And so for Paul to take the time
and the occasion to address the children specifically, that would
have likely caught everyone, especially the children, off
guard. And the word that Paul uses here
is a very broad term. It’s not just babies or infants,
but all who are under their parents’ guidance and authority, even
teenagers. And so for Paul to call out this
group by name, children, it was a very big deal. It was
a very special thing. And it immediately communicates
to young people that they are of great value. They’re one of
six groups total that Paul addresses. They matter. Children are of
infinite preciousness to the Lord. Jesus himself, we know,
exemplified this on more than one occasion. But think of Matthew
chapter 19. Matthew chapter 19, just two
verses, jot it down if you will. We’re not going to turn there. In Matthew 19 verse 13, it records
that some children were brought to him that he might lay hands
on them and pray. Beautiful scene. It says the
disciples rebuked them. Stop bothering Jesus. Mark adds
a very important detail here. He says that Jesus was indignant
at his apostles’ attitude. Jesus’ disciples were only trying
to free Jesus up so that he could do ministry, right? And Jesus
reminds them that children are ministry. Verse 14 says that
Jesus said, let the children alone. Do not hinder them from
coming to me. For the kingdom of heaven belongs
to such as these. The sweet and gentle, simple
faith of a child. Children should not be considered
as mere afterthoughts, as if they’re just along for the ride.
Little people that we can treat indifferently and as unimportant. These are precious souls. Precious
souls to God and should be to us as well. And they are to be
treated as such. Paul seizes hold of the children’s
attention. And just like he does with all
the other members of the household, he issues them a command. be
obedient to your parents. I should point out here that
in the Greek, the basic sentence in Ephesians is exactly the same
as our passage. For some reason, the translators,
though, of the New American Standard altered the translation just
slightly here in Colossians. Instead of the simpler obey,
They translate it here, be obedient. But in the end, the command is
exactly the same in both Colossians and Ephesians. Children are called
to obey their parents. We noted last week that the wife
was not commanded to obey her husband, but rather to submit,
to be subject to him. especially in the decision-making
capacity. But here, and also with regard
to slaves, Paul uses a different word, obey. And if you will, the command
is essentially in the present tense, which means that this
was not to be a one-time reaction by the child, but an ongoing,
constant response to the parents’ orders. If you glance down at
verse 20 once again, Paul provides the reason for this command.
He says, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Doesn’t that have
a beautiful sound to it? Why should a child obey his or
her mom and dad? Because it makes God happy. How beautifully simple. It makes
God happy. It’s well pleasing to the Lord. In the parallel passage in Ephesians,
his reasoning is even more succinct. There he just says, children,
obey your parents for this is right. It isn’t that what the child
is commanded to do is so inherently noble. Sometimes the tasks or
the commands are really mundane. It isn’t that what the child
is commanded to do is so inherently noble, nor is it that the parent
is so full of integrity that the child must obey. It’s because
this is God’s design. It’s God’s plan for training
a child, that the parent should issue such clear commands and
that the child should so readily obey. That’s God’s design. It’s right. And when it happens,
it’s well-pleasing to the Lord. It’s the good and right thing
to do. It’s the proper functioning of the God-ordained parent-child
relationship. And we know why Paul includes
these phrases, that it’s well-pleasing to the Lord, that it’s right,
because the heathen world, the godless people and the cultures
and nations who do not value, do not promote such a response
from their children. In fact, the children of those
who do not know and love the Lord were characterized by rebellion. In the opening chapter of Romans,
Paul describes in great detail the ungodly world. You know it. They suppress the truth in unrighteousness. They do not honor God or give
thanks. They exchange the truth of God
for a lie. And as a result, God lets them
go. Paul proceeds to list the horrible
and sinful things that they do. Greed, evil, full of envy, murder,
strife, deceit, malice, gossip, slander. They are haters of God,
insolent, that is rude, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil,
and get this, disobedient to parents. That’s a characteristic
of the world. Those who do not love God. That’s
how God sees those who do not love him. And Paul tells Timothy
in his final letter that this is only going to get worse. In
the last days, Paul says to Timothy, men will be lovers of self, lovers
of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents. This ugly, rebellious spirit
is an inherent feature of the fallen world. 1 Samuel 15 declares that rebellion
and insubordination according to God are as the sin of iniquity. It couldn’t get any worse. Well,
this is a frightening thing then. for both children and parents.
Parents, when we do not teach and expect obedience from our
children, we are training them in rebelliousness. Do you realize
that? Likewise, young people, when we disregard our parents’
instructions and orders, we are behaving as the unbelievers do. Rebelliousness is sin. Before we were even parents,
Barbara and I sought and received some training, and as new believers
and first-generation Christians, we knew how important this was.
We desperately needed any and all help that we could get. One
of the first principles that we learned was a concept called
first-time obedience. That’s radical. That’s revolutionary. First-time obedience is prompt,
it’s polite, and it’s pleasing. It’s prompt in the sense that
the child is taught to obey immediately. It’s polite in the sense that
the child is taught to verbally respond to the command with a
simple, yes mom, yes dad. And it’s pleasing in the sense
that the child does what is asked in a good and thorough way. It’s prompt, it’s polite, and
it’s pleasing. Give a child a command one time,
and expect full and complete obedience. How profoundly different
from the average parent that we see at work in, say, Walmart. They might give a command six
or seven times, and then at the end of that, they begin counting,
one, two, three, so that they teach the child to disobey. This isn’t how it’s supposed
to work. Functioning that way puts the child in charge, not
the parent. We are to command. They are to
obey. I love the way one godly and seasoned
shepherd described this obedience. John Eadie, a godly Scottish
pastor, said that it should be cheerful, not sullen. They don’t sulk when they’re
given a command. They don’t argue and bicker.
It should be cheerful, not sullen, prompt and not dilatory. A word
I had to look up, slow and lazy. Uniform and not occasional. It’s not just a once in a while
thing, this obedience, it’s every time the parent issues a command,
The child says, yes, mom, yes, dad, and sets about to do what
is asked. The child’s obedience is to be
joyful and immediate and thorough, without complaint, without challenge,
without carelessness. The expected response to a parent’s
command, yes, mom, yes, dad. I should tell you that this kind
of obedience is not something that the Bible mentions only
here in Colossians. I want to take a moment to go
back to the parallel passage, if you would, in Ephesians chapter
6. As I mentioned a moment ago,
the basic sentence here in Colossians is exactly the same as the one
in Colossians. But in addition to that basic
sentence, Paul does add some additional things, and we want
to pick those up. Glance down, if you would, at
verse 2, where Paul gives a follow-up command. Honor your father and
mother, which is the first command with a promise that it may be
well with you and that you may live long on the earth. This
isn’t a new command. Paul points out here from the
Ten Commandments, Exodus 20 verse 12, that this expectation of
children obeying parents goes all the way back to the giving of the law. Let’s
be reasonable here. Neither Paul nor Moses is suggesting
that parents are to be obeyed no matter what. I remember a few years ago hearing
about a parent who, a mom who got caught using her own children
to shoplift. What a terrible thing. As adults,
we’re called to obey our civil authorities, but we don’t check
our brains at the door when civil authorities command what God
forbids or forbid what God commands. We have to disobey. We saw this
during COVID, right? Just as when the governing authorities
told Peter and John to stop preaching, they replied, We must obey God
rather than men. And so what Paul is speaking
about here are good commands, not commands to sin, not commands
to disregard God, commands there that are not appropriate, commands
that go against God’s word. Those commands have to be fought
against. But good and godly commands,
commands that don’t go against God’s word, commands that are
appropriate, must be obeyed. So when Paul called out the children
of Colossae Bible Church, it would have been surprising, surprising
but refreshing, right? And that reaction is no less
true in our own day. And so parents, as Paul does
here, if I may, children, could I have your attention for
a moment? I want to talk directly to you. If you would please set aside
your coloring pages. Anything else that might distract
you. I have something very important
to say to you. In our passage this morning, God makes it very clear what
He expects of you. He tells you very clearly that
you are to obey your parents. When they tell you to do something,
you are to obey, unless you know for certain that God has forbidden
it. God himself has put your parents
in the role of leading you and teaching you and training you. They’ve lived much longer than
you. They have learned many things. And because of that, you should
listen very carefully to them. I remember one time when my kids
were very little, we went up to Rocky Mountain National Park
We took a hike along a stream. And we knew well that if one
of our little children were to fall into that stream, they could
be carried away. And we as parents, we had to
teach them. We had to teach our children to stay back from the
edge of the stream. It was our job to tell them. It was their job to obey. When mom or dad tell you something,
you should stop what you’re doing. You should look them in the eye.
And you should reply, yes, mom. Yes, dad. And then right away
begin to do what they’ve told you to do. You shouldn’t wait. You shouldn’t argue. You should
try to give your very best effort to do exactly what they’ve asked
you to do. God loves you. Your parents love
you. And you love them, right? The way that you show your love
for them is by your obedience to their commands. It’s not right
for a child to argue with their mom or dad or to decide that
they don’t need to obey certain orders, to roll their eyes and
say, what on earth is she asking me to do now? Doesn’t mean that you can’t ask
your parents a question to make clear what it is they’re asking
you to do. If mom says, fold your clothes
and put them away. And some of those clothes you
realize may need to be hung up. You can ask, should I hang up
the rest of these clothes as well, mom? You know that your
mom loves you. And you know that you love her
as well and let her see in the sweet way that you respond to
her commands by obeying what she asks you to do. Thank you, kids. As we’ve seen, These commands
are in three groupings of two. We’ve heard what Paul has to
say to the children, but we need to hear what Paul has to say
to the fathers. We find that in verse 21 of Colossians
3. Fathers, do not exasperate your
children so that they will not lose heart. Paul turns his attention
here to the fathers, and it’s possible that this word could
be translated more generally as parents, so as to include
mothers. It’s translated that way in Hebrews
11, 23, speaking of Moses’ parents. But I’m not uncomfortable with
the more traditional translation, fathers. And I would suggest
to you that Paul is not so much excluding mothers from their
parental responsibility here, as much as he is underscoring
that ultimately fathers are responsible for what takes place in their
home. So that if a mother gives an unjust command, the father
is responsible. If a mother allows or fosters
rebellion in her children, the father is responsible. If a child
is disobedient to a reasonable and just command, the father
is responsible. No matter what happens, the father
is responsible. That may not sound fair, but
that is the way that God has ordained things in the home.
The father is responsible. There’s another reason why Paul
may have singled out fathers here alone and not both parents. Training is the particular responsibility
of fathers. He’s to watch over and to train
each one of his children according to their particular strengths
and weaknesses. That takes wisdom. You can’t
use a one-size-fits-all on every child. There’s yet another reason
why Paul may have singled out the father here. As the father
is ultimately responsible to God, he may well take upon himself
a greater urgency than is appropriate. I’ll tell you what that means.
He may discipline harshly, out of anger, or even unjustly. Not so the mother. A mother is
more likely to over soften the child through kindness. Not so
the father. He may be unfair in his distribution
of justice, treating one child one way on one occasion, a different
manner in another situation, so that the child knows no standard. Well, the father may show partiality
to one child over the other. Punishment of various kinds are
indeed the father’s prerogative according to the child and the
situation, but it’s not to be administered unjustly. Paul says basically the same
thing in these two different places, Colossians and Ephesians.
And he says them in two different ways. Here, his caution to the
fathers is not to exasperate their children. In Ephesians
6, for his admonition is that they do not provoke the child
to anger. Those are two different ways
of describing the same result. In Colossians, Paul warns about
exasperating the child so that they lose heart. Here, the effect
is more inward. When parenting or punishment
is improperly administered, the result is exasperation, fruitless
frustration. A child who loses heart is a
truly pitiful sight, sad, sullen, lifeless, afraid even to speak. With them, there is a resignation
that leads almost to despair, a discouraged and broken spirit.
They’re disheartened by the feeling that they cannot do right. He or she is so wearied by the kind
of parenting that they’ve received that they have effectively given
up trying to please their parents. Paul says it slightly differently
in Ephesians, if you flip there. There he warns against provoking
children to anger. And here the bad result is more
outward. It’s a reaction to the parents’
attitudes and parenting. But whether it’s losing heart
or being provoked to anger, both are unfortunate results of improper
parenting. What kind of parenting could
possibly produce such results? The average parenting of even
a Christian parent. What is it that parents do that
is exasperating or provoking? Here are some suggestions for
you to consider. It could be the result of several
things that a parent might do, harshness, inconsistency, injustice. How about this one? If the parenting
or the punishment is arbitrarily applied, it’s overlooked one
day, punished the next. If the parenting or punishment
is excessive or excessively harsh, You gave them that punishment
for that violation? If the parenting or punishment
shows partiality, harder on one child than the other. If the
parenting or punishment is unjust, where the child is punished for
something again and again that they did not do. A fault that
they did not commit. If the parenting or the punishment
is overly precise, I’d say of the list, this is the most common.
Exacting, where they just hover over the child constantly and
correct every little thing that they do. Leaving no room for
the child to live and grow. A relentless badgering of every
possible violation. Or if the parenting or punishment
is altogether absent. There are no moral or ethical
standards in this home if the child is just allowed to grow
up and do as they please. To grow and wander and climb
like a weed on a fence post. If the parent or punishment strips
them of their dignity and value, if they’re made to feel as if
they’re insignificant or worthless. Those are all ways that can dishearten
the child. But more than any of those individual
parenting habits, the damage of which Paul speaks is the overwhelming
accumulation of a combination of these. It’s bad parenting. And Paul speaks of it in the
present tense, pointing to an ongoing experience. It’s always
this way. Discipline and chastisement are
good and right and appropriate in measure. But a child must
know that they’re loved. They cannot be driven and controlled
like so many beasts. have to be cherished and modeled
and molded like the little persons that they are. To such a child,
such a cultivating relationship, discipline is welcome. Chastisement,
when it comes, is no surprise. They know that they have transgressed
a clear standard, and the punishment, though not pleasant, they know
is for their benefit. Would you join me for one final
excursion, this time to Hebrews chapter 12? Half a dozen books
to your right, and all the way into chapter
12. I’d like you to see this passage for yourself. It’s an
echo of the very thing we’re considering. Scroll down to verse 7 if you
would. It is for discipline that you endure. God deals with you
as sons. For what son is there whom his
father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline,
of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children
and not sons. The writer of Hebrews here is
talking about the discipline that we as believers receive
from God. It’s just like the discipline
of an earthly father, he says. And he says that to be without
such discipline is unthinkable. What son is there whom his father
does not discipline? The very idea is shameful. It
would lead to disaster in the child’s life. Only a worthless
man with illegitimate children would neglect them entirely in
their discipline and care. Look at verse nine, if you would.
Furthermore, we had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected
them. Shall we not much rather be subject
to the father of spirits and live? Most parents, if they hold
back on discipline, it’s because they want their children to like
them. If you withhold discipline, they’re
not going to dislike you. They’re going to hate you. Verse 10, they disciplined us
for a short time as seemed best to them, but he disciplines us
for our good so that we may be sharers in his holiness. All
discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful.
Yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the
peaceful fruit of righteousness. The writer’s point here is that
discipline is a good and wholesome thing, whether it’s godly discipline
of a father, an earthly father, or the loving discipline of the
heavenly father. Discipline in due time brings
forth the peaceful fruit of righteousness. But that means that an absence
of such discipline is a terrible thing. just as it would be terrible
were God to turn his back on his children. It’s a terrible
thing for a child to grow up without discipline, without being
parented, essentially. Lack of parenting, the absence
of discipline in a child’s life is a dreadful thing. It’s one thing for an orphan
child to suffer such an absence. It’s another thing entirely for
a child, especially one in a Christian home, to go without proper parenting. It’s not natural. It’s not good. Children are unaccustomed to
life and the ways of the world. Do you realize this? A child
has to be taught literally everything. They have to be taught knowledge
and wisdom and righteousness and self-control. They cannot
be expected to make wise decisions without such preparation. And
in addition to being inexperienced, they’re born with a sin nature
that must be exposed. so that their hearts ultimately
can be turned to Christ. All of this, all of this takes
years of discipline and training and righteousness. We’ve spent enough time in Ephesians
that we might as well just pick up one last thought. Would you
look at Ephesians 6 once again as we close? And I love that
Paul ends the discussion here on a positive note. I mean, we
need a little relief, don’t we? He says that instead of provoking
your children to anger, fathers should, look at verse 4, bring
them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. There
are two encouragements here, discipline and instruction. The
first discipline just speaks of the entire process of raising
a child. Not punishment only, but bringing
the child along to maturity. That’s the whole process of discipline,
parenting. Instruction is that word with
which we’re familiar by now. We’ve seen it several times in
Colossians. Nutheteo. It refers to placing
specific principles into the mind of the child, teaching them,
training them. instructing them. Paul says that
these are the two means of parenting, bringing them up. And this word,
bringing them up, it elicits a beautiful image, especially
to us gardeners. It’s the same word used in Ephesians
5.29 of a husband’s duty to nourish his wife. That stirs images of
cultivating a delicate plant, right? Essentially, that’s what
a husband does for his wife. That’s what a father does for
his children. He nourishes them up. A godly
father will cultivate a home life that will foster obedience
by his children, teaching them, talking with them, loving them,
playing with them. Children can love their parents
The children so love their parents that they want to obey them. There’s a word that has been
subtly woven throughout this discussion that makes all of
this possible. It’s the person of our Savior,
Jesus Christ. It’s that word, the Lord. We see him in Colossians 3.20,
that children may be pleasing to the Lord. We see him in Ephesians
6.1, children obey your parents in the Lord. And we see him again
in verse four, that fathers are to bring up their children in
discipline and instruction of the Lord. Raising a family, training
up a new generation of children is a difficult, if not impossible
task. without the Lord. Well, the cycle
continues, doesn’t it? The ongoing marvel that is parenting
will continue to churn. Parents will continue to have
children. Children will continue to grow
up under a parenting experience. Mistakes will be made. Growing
children will make their observations. They will purpose to parent differently
and reality will continue to set in. and the cycle will continue
indefinitely. We cannot stop that process. But we can minimize it. We can’t
break the cycle completely, but in Christ and by his grace, parents
can minimize those unfortunate parenting mistakes. Parents can
cultivate a more positive experience. Children can evaluate that experience
more graciously. They can form their convictions
more delicately. They can embrace the reality
of family with greater humbleness. Would you humble yourself before
the Lord? Our merciful King, we bow before
you humbled. Whether we’re parents or children,
We stand humbled by your word, humbled by your grace and your
kindness. Lord, that you would put such
godly parents in charge of a home and that you would call such
young people to submit themselves and to obey such parents. Lord, we thank you for this model.
And we plead for your grace for children, to be obedient, to
respond to their parents appropriately and graciously. And Lord, we
pray for every parent that you would grant us to take up the
task of parenting anew, that you would grant us your grace
in seeking to break the cycle to the degree that we can and lovingly parent our God-given
children. We thank you and we praise you.
We pray all of these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.