The Redeemed Household

The sad history of the human
race is really one perpetual record of conflicts. From the earliest record of mankind,
our story is riddled with one dispute after another. Individuals
fight with other individuals, family members skirmish. with
one another, neighbors fight with neighbors, families fight
with other families, tribes war with other tribes, and nations
with nations. In a fit of curiosity this week,
I sat down and I wrote some 40 different words used to describe
human conflict. And then I searched to see what
was the first occurrence of each of these words in the Bible. What I discovered was shocking.
Of my master list of words, nearly half of them occurred even before
I was out of Genesis. Listen to this. Enmity, Genesis
3. Kill, Genesis 4. Strife, Genesis
13. War, Genesis 14. Rebellion, battle,
also in 14. Hate, Genesis 24. Quarrel, Genesis 26. Anger, 27. Fury, grudge, trouble,
also in Genesis 27. Offend or offense in Genesis
40. Wrath in Genesis 49. All of those
pointing to human conflict. And to that rather depressing
list, we can add these before we even are out of the Pentateuch.
Dispute, fight, hostility, provoke. And if that weren’t bad enough,
the final half of these unpleasant terms predictably emerge in the
rest of Scripture, usually before even the New Testament. argue,
conflict, confrontation, contention, controversy, disagreement, dissension,
enrage, incite, insurrection, irritate, opposition, rage, revolt,
rivalry. And I’m absolutely sure that
my list is not exhaustive. My point in sharing all of that
is to illustrate just how common conflict is with people. And
it’s one thing that tribes and even nations should war over
resources and territories, but the most grievous arena of dispute
is surely the human household. We needle, we bicker, we argue
and fight, we hold grudges all over the slightest offense. Surely
the quarrels and divisions among families, even among Christian
families, must have sorely distressed the Apostle Paul, because he
takes up to address conflict in families in Colossians chapter
3. Would the Lord’s people please
turn there, Colossians chapter 3. And we come here in Colossians
chapter 3 to the eighth application of his doctrine, those first
two chapters of Scripture. And it’s a section that I would
simply title, Relation Building Living. We’ve tried to title
all of those sections similarly. And he comes to relation building
living here in chapter 318, and this subject really is umbrellaed
all the way through chapter 4, verse 1. And I’ll take this section
in its entirety the first time, although we’re not going to cover
that kind of territory today. If you would, Colossians 3, beginning
in verse 18. Wives, be subject to your husbands
as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and
do not be embittered against them. Children, be obedient to
your parents in all things for this is well pleasing to the
Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will
not lose heart. Slaves, in all things obey those
who are your masters on earth. not with external service as
those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart,
fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work
heartily as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from
the Lord you will receive the reward of inheritance. It is
the Lord Christ whom you serve. For he who does wrong will receive
the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without
partiality. Masters, grant to your slaves
justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a master in
heaven. And so Paul moves to discuss
the basic building block of society, the family or the home. And in
discussing the Christian household, he breaks it up into three different
groups. And these would have all comprised
the first century household. Paul includes in this consideration
not just wives and husbands and children, but he also includes
slaves and masters. And note the order, wives and
husbands, children and fathers, slaves and masters. We’ll break
up the discussion into these three similar portions, just
as Paul seems to do. And for each member of the household,
he basically calls them out one by one. Before we get too far
in our consideration of these verses, I want to take us to
Ephesians 5, Ephesians chapter 5, where Paul addresses the same
things. And he does so much more thoroughly
And I know that I’m preaching through Colossians, not Ephesians,
but these passages are so familiar that we will benefit from interacting
with Ephesians 5 just a bit to shed some light on Colossians
3. If you’re in Ephesians 5, look
at verse 22. If you would, wives, be subject
to your own husbands. as to the Lord, for the husband
is the head of the wife, as Christ is also the head of the church,
he himself being a savior of the body. But as Christ is subject
to, the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought
to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just
as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her,
that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of
water with the word, that he might present to himself the
church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such
thing, but that she should be holy and blameless. If you would,
for our purpose this morning, skip down to chapter six. And
verse one, children, obey your parents in the Lord for this
is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment
with a promise that it may be well with you and that you may
live long on the earth. And fathers, do not provoke your
children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord. Slaves, be obedient to those
who are your masters according to the flesh. with fear and trembling
and the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ, not by way of eye
service as men pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the
will of God from the heart. With good will, render service
as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing
each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether slave
or free. And masters, do the same thing
to them and give up threatening, knowing that both their master
and yours is in heaven and there is no partiality with him. And so you see what I mean? These
passages are nearly identical, very similar. But Paul does intersperse
some details in there that are not contained in Colossians and
in Colossians that are not contained in Ephesians. Paul uses essentially
the same outline and says many of the same things. And so we’ll
return again and again to take up a few details out of this
section of scripture. So if you would, place a marker,
a bulletin, what have you, something to make flipping back to Ephesians
5 easier. But for now, back please, if
you would, to Colossians chapter 3. And in Colossians chapter 3,
Paul begins in an interesting place. As I said, for each of
these groups, he puts the weaker portion first. Wives, children,
slaves. We might think otherwise. We
might think that he would do it just the opposite. But the
more vulnerable class is placed first in each discussion. And so this morning we’ll start
with wives. Ladies first. The first member
that he addresses of the six is wives. And the subject that
he addresses in this verse and other verses like it are some
of the most popular, the very most favorite among the women
of our world. And I say that somewhat tongue-in-cheek,
and that’s really unfortunate. It’s sad, really, that any portion
of divine revelation should be unpopular with anyone, especially
those of the church. And it’s unfortunate there are
contributing factors to this unpopularity. There are attending
attitudes and misapplications of this truth that negatively
affect a correct understanding, a wholesome perspective of this
subject. And a misunderstanding of this
principle leads directly to a misapplication of it. And a misapplication only
promotes a poor opinion of the subject itself. Now there are,
it may surprise you, men who abuse this principle of submission. They reduce their wives to the
status of an employee or worse. Some men take one look at the
word submit or as here, to be subject, and they warp that to
mean that a wife has no say in family decisions, that a woman’s
place is to quietly and obediently serve, serve the husband primarily and
the household without any complaint, that she is to dutifully submit
to all commands no matter how unreasonable. Like, that’s the
kind of wrong and unreasonable thinking that really produces
the negative reaction that many women have to this command, be
subject. But the attitudes and actions
described above do not represent a correct and biblical application
of this doctrine. And so it is for us first to
consider what Paul means by this command, so that we can all,
wives and husbands, look to its proper application. To begin
with, the word translated here as be subject, is the Greek word
hypotasso. It’s a military term, and its
basic meaning implies to align or to arrange oneself under a
proper rank or authority, to yield oneself, to subject oneself
in obedience. So that is what it means. And
ladies, before you tune me out, Jesus himself did this. Luke
2.51, records that he, Jesus, continued in subjection to his
earthly parents. Metaphorically speaking, creation
was subjected by God himself to futility in order to stir
his creation to seek him, Romans 8. Paul is the heaviest user
of this word, urging believers to godly subjection to governing
authorities, Romans 13. Bond slaves are to be subject
to their own masters, Titus 2.9. By far, though, Paul’s most plentiful
use of this word refers in the subjection owed to our Lord Jesus
Christ, that God has put all things in subjection under his
feet, 1 Corinthians 15.27. That’s echoed almost verbatim
in Ephesians 1.22, Philippians 3.21. Christ’s bride, the church,
is to be subject to him, Ephesians 5.24. James only uses this word
one times, and it’s striking. And he just says, Submit, therefore,
to God, that we yield ourselves, placing ourselves under him for
protection. Peter uses this word six times
in his short epistle admonishing his readers in 2.13. Submit yourselves
for the Lord’s sake to every human institution. An echo of
Romans 13. And even the younger men of the
church, Peter says, are to be subject to their elders, 1 Peter
5, 5. And so submission, lining up
under authority, is a thoroughly biblical practice. And please
know that this word is not just used here by Paul. Paul uses it in 1 Corinthians
14 as well. which verse we had opportunity
to preach through several years ago. 1 Corinthians 14 34, the
women are to keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted
to speak, but to subject themselves, just as the law also says. Paul
addresses this matter of women speaking in the church very directly.
It’s somewhat abrupt. And what he’s talking about,
it is very clear from the context there, is speaking in tongues
and prophesying. engaging in any kind of spiritual
instruction, the imparting of divine revelation in the Christian
assembly. that is Christian worship or
the church. Instead of engaging in that,
they are to subject or submit themselves. Paul uses the same
word in Ephesians 5.22, as we just read, wives be subject to
your husbands. It’s almost identical to Colossians
3.18, and we’ll come back to that verse momentarily. Paul
says it again in verse 24 of chapter five, as the church,
is subject to Christ, and we know that it is, the wives ought
to be, the verb implied there, they ought to be subject to their
own husbands and everything. And here’s a beautiful explanation. The pattern of submission is
explained by, modeled after, the submission of Christ’s church
to him. Just as the church is subject
to Christ, in the same way the wives are to be subject to their
husbands. Paul goes on to explain that
in verse 23. The husband is the head of the
wife, as Christ is the head of the church. Well, in Titus 2.5,
he mentions this again regarding the older women. And I always
say, you determine which camp you’re in, younger women, older
women. I’m not entering into that fray.
But in Titus 2.5, he says that older women are to be sensible,
pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands. And here, these older women,
seasoned saints of the church, will be exemplary in a number
of ways, including models of submission to their own husbands.
Such a woman is not bitter or sullen, bearing up under the
weight of an unreasonable burden. She freely takes it to herself
with joy in the Lord. And the last passage in which
this occurs in context of women or wives is 1 Peter 3, 1. In the same way, you wives, be
submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are
disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by
the behavior of their wives. Peter here, he doesn’t promote
something akin to slavery. In lands and seasons where the
evil of slavery exists, there is a kind of subjection. It’s forced, and it’s absolute. It’s not optional. That is not
the kind of submission or subjection of which scripture speaks, even
Peter here. It’s a sweet compliance, which
a godly wife honors her savior and endears herself to her husband
by modeling. And so Paul says to wives, unapologetically
here in Colossians 3.18, be subject, that is, submit yourselves. And
it’s important to point out that this is not something that the
wife is, as if she is inherently inferior, or as if she is forced
to be subject. No, this is something that the
godly wife does, and willingly. She is not inherently subject. Rather, she willingly subjects
herself. And before I say another thing,
it’s crucial to point out that Paul specifically says, be subject
to your husbands. This is such an important point
that the parallel passage in Ephesians 5, you may have heard
it. Paul says there, be subject to
your own husbands. And the idea communicated there
is that woman is not subject and subservient to man in some
kind of general sense, but that the wife is to willingly subject
herself to her own God-given and loving husband. Place yourself under your God-given
authority. That’s what Paul here is commanding, and it’s noteworthy
that Paul uses a different word here when admonishing wives than
he does when admonishing children and slaves. With them, he uses
the word hupakuo, listen so as to obey. Don’t we wish we could
impart that lesson early to children? The command subject is not so
stark. And so this submission certainly
doesn’t imply some kind of inferiority on the part of the woman, either
intellectually or spiritually. But rather, it speaks of God’s
order of things. And it could be summarized as
simply as this. The wife is to submit because
that’s the way God designed it to be. Why does Paul find it
so necessary to say the same thing to the Corinthians, the
Colossians, the Ephesians, the Cretans, those on the island
of Crete? Well, it probably has to do with
the fact that in Christ there was no longer a spiritual distinction. In Christianity, women found
great liberty from the oppression and the servitude under which
they had been bound for centuries. As Paul communicated to the Galatians,
remember, in Christ there is neither Jew, nor Greek, nor slave,
nor free, nor male, nor female. You are all one in Christ Jesus,
and that teaching, if misunderstood, would provoke a lot of chaos. If all were equal, there is no
divine order, and therefore submission is obsolete. Why, a newly saved woman might
think that she could press her newfound liberty in Christ. you may recall, is the very kind
of disorder that was present in the Corinthian church. So
that Paul had cause to warn them that Christ is the head of every
man, the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.
There is order, divine order. Men and women were equal in Christ,
but they had differing roles. and the husband’s appointed role
was to lead, and the wife’s appointed role was to support her God-given
husband. There must be submission. And
so Paul likely saw the potential for misunderstanding and the
ensuing confusion, and he seeks to clarify that in his epistles. So Paul says to these Christian
women in Colossae, only recently converted from heathenism, mind
you, be subject to your husbands. And then he adds this little
qualification. He says, wives be subject to
your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Now we know what the
phrase in the Lord means. It means that as a Christian,
for those who are saved by grace. But what is Paul referring to
when he says, speaks of something as being fitting in the Lord.
That word fitting could be translated as it should be. Or what is appropriate. And it points to the obligation
into which a person, a woman, enters when she becomes a Christian. What is appropriate for me as
a Christian wife? As believers, we come to a standard,
all of us, men and women, what is right or fitting for me as
a Christian. Well, a woman could effectively
challenge this by saying, fitting according to who or whom? And
it’s here that I’d like us to go to the fuller version of this
admonition in Ephesians 5, where Paul answers this question, according
to who? Ephesians chapter 5, and when
you get there, if you would find your way, scroll down to verse
22. And there, I’ll read it again. Wives, be subject to your own
husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of
the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself
being the savior of the body. But as the church is subject
to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands
in everything. Now, initially here, Paul says
exactly the same thing. Wives, be subject to your own
husbands. He adds that word own here. And the immediate explanation
is at least similar to Colossians 3.18. There in Colossians 3.18,
as is fitting in the Lord, here he says, as to the Lord. Those two clauses are similar.
They both speak of the ultimate recipient of our actions, the
Lord. It is to Him that we live and
walk and conduct ourselves, that our actions ought to be done
in a manner that would please Him. That’s essentially what
that is pointing to. But he explains his statement
in verses 23 and 24. And he essentially says two things.
First, he says the husband is the head of the wife as Christ
is also the head of the church. There’s a one-to-one equation
here. Christ is the head of the church
and the husband is the head of the wife. Both things are true. Secondly, Paul says in verse
24, as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives
ought to be to their husbands. This is God’s order. This is
the way God ordained the world to function. Christ, the head
of the church, which is subject to him and the husband, head
of the wife, and she in turn is subject to her husband. And
so to function according to his design is fitting. It’s appropriate. It’s right. For those wives who, by God’s
grace, have come to know Christ, who are Christians, there is
a fitting, that is appropriate, response. And the response is
godly submission. A humble yieldedness to her God-given
husband. That’s the way that things were
meant to be, says God. What does it look like? She is not to cower in the corner
as if she’s an employee that has gone astray and afoul from
the rules of the company. She is to be sweetly yielded
to her husband’s leadership as the church is to Christ. Can
we even for a moment think that the church could function without
God’s Word, without the Holy Spirit, without Christ’s example? It’s not the cringing compliance
of a disobedient subordinate, but it’s the loving support of
a godly friend. That is the subjection of the
wife. And she is to appreciate, that
is bring honor to her God-given husband. She is to allow her
husband to lead, give advice and perspective as he leads.
Pray for him as he leads. Help him in the course of leading
and love him in the course of leading. I tell young couples
in preparation for marriage all the time, lose that phrase, I
told you so. You never want to import that.
You want to be your husband’s helper, not his opponent. And so the wife wants to cultivate
and protect a loving respect of her husband. You see, as a
wife, you have been graced to yield. Respect your God-given
husband. Well, there’s an element that
will make this subjection easy, pleasant, even enjoyable. You can’t wait, can you? Paul
mentions it in his admonition to the husband in verse 19. Glance down at Colossians 3.19.
Husbands, he now calls out the husbands. Husbands, love your
wives. Do not be embittered against
them. Love. That’s the element that
renders subjection pleasant, and it changes the whole equation.
That’s it. Husbands are simply called to
love their wives. Love fixes everything. Love makes a wife’s subjection
simple and a joy. And you might be sitting there
saying, that’s it? That’s all there is to it? Yes, that’s it, but it only sounds
easy, right? But loving one’s wife is in the
way, that is the manner, to the degree that Christ would have
the husband to do so. That means it’s only possible
by a mighty supply of the grace of God. That isn’t because a
husband has such an impossible task before him, given the particular
woman that he married. It’s impossible to genuinely
love one’s wife as God would have you to because of our sinful
natures, both husband and wife. The reality is we begin in deficit
mode, not really understanding what love even is, what it looks
like, how it functions. Most husbands would say that
they love their wives, at least they would say that they love
their wives if they know what’s good for them. When we think
of love, we tend to reduce it to romantic love, these feelings,
That isn’t the kind of love that Paul refers to here. The Apostle
Peter, likewise, in 1 Peter 3, 7, refers to a man’s wife in
lofty spiritual terms. He insists that the husband treat
her accordingly. He even goes so far as to caution
that failure to treat her accordingly could even affect his prayer
life. Listen to 1 Peter 3, 7. And I tell people all the time,
this is the verse, the single most often used verse in my life
by the Lord. You husbands, likewise, live
with your wives in an understanding way as with a weaker vessel,
since she is a woman, and grant her honor as a fellow heir of
the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. So is there romantic love? Sure.
Ought to be. There should be that aspect of
a man’s love for his wife, but it should go far beyond that.
Christian love of a husband for his wife is not fleeting or fading. It perseveres, it endures, it
does not abate. There’s an old tongue-in-cheek
saying that captures the typical man’s idea of what love is. Some
alleged country star even grabbed this line and turned it into
a country song. And it’s funny, humorous, only
because it’s too often true. The line goes like this, I told
you that I loved you when I married you. I’ll let you know if anything
changes. That’s a pitiful view of love,
isn’t it? It pictures love as something that is expressed once,
early on, or at best occasionally, and something that can fade over
time. That’s not biblical love. That’s not the kind of love that
fosters a godly wife’s subjection. The fascinating thing here is
that Paul doesn’t define or describe love here in this passage at
all, Colossians 3. For some reason, He deems this
duty to be so clear that he doesn’t need to describe it any further
to the Colossians. That’s not the case when he writes
to the Ephesians. He extensively describes the
nature of this love in his address on the same things in Ephesians.
Perhaps the need was not so acute in Colossae as it was in Ephesus,
no matter The truth is there in Ephesians 5. For our benefit
and edification, if you would flip back again to Ephesians
5. Here, Paul abundantly expands
on the subject of love. And if you would begin in verse
25, husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her,
having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that
he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having
no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be
holy and blameless. Paul gives us here an incredible
amount of information about the intended nature of the husband’s
love for his wife. It’s like the love that Christ
has for the church. The husband’s love is supposed
to be modeled after Christ’s example. Further there in the
same sentence, verse 25, it is self-sacrificing. Christ loved
his church so much that he willingly gave himself up for her. And
in almost every premarriage or wedding that I do, I say that
many men would say that they love their wives, but they won’t
take out the garbage. The husband’s love is to be exemplified
by affectionate self-sacrifice. Please notice verses 26 and 27
tell of spiritual care provided for his bride, the church, sanctification,
cleansing, glorification. And I’ll just tell you, even
the most godly husband cannot produce those things in his wife.
Only God can do these, but the husband can help. He can teach,
he can lead, and he must not hinder such work You see, the wife is not the
husband’s employee or slave. She’s your best friend. She’s
your helper, made suitable, perfected to you by God himself, just as
Eve was to Adam. She’s your best marketing team. She promotes your best qualities
to others. She’s your wisest and most trusted
counselor. She’s your greatest confidant
and encourager. Back, if you would please, to
Colossians 3. I want to pick up one final thought there in
Colossians 3. Paul gives one final admonition
to husbands. Not only should they love their
wives, but he adds there in 319, do not be embittered against
them. It’s kind of an odd thing to
say, although that’s usually what provokes conflict. This
bitterness just refers to a husband’s simmering anger that responds
in harshness to his wife. It’s an unappeasable surliness
that teeters on angry eruptions that will all but prevent a wife’s
humble submission. It points to a cynical hardness
that scolds and chastises the one whom God has given. and such coldness may show itself
in words and glances and attitudes, then almost all husbands stoop
to such a response occasionally. Only the godliest man is able,
by God’s grace, to refrain from such a response. And since it’s bitterness of
which Paul speaks here, It’s in response to his wife’s words
or ways. But what exactly? What provokes
this bitterness? And I would suggest to you that
we get a sure candidate from the cause of strife in a marriage
from Genesis chapter 3, the curse against humanity. Just listen,
I’m just gonna pick up a half a sentence here. God cursed the
serpent, we know God. Cursed Adam, we know. To Eve
specifically, in addition to the pain of childbirth, he said,
your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over
you. God basically says there that
there will be a perpetual battle for control. A perpetual battle
for authority in the home. The man will and must prevail. But that won’t stop the wife
from trying to assert her authority. And it’s that original strife
that still plagues the marriage relationship. It’s the very thing
that stirs the husband to resentment and bitterness. Paul says that
this must not be. that even if the wife asserts
her authority, even if a wife is opinionated and strong-willed,
still the husband is not to yield to bitterness and acrimony. I
found it interesting that one commentator seemed to stub his
toe on these duties of the husband and the wife. He referred to
the husband’s duty to love his wife as the
counterpart to the wife’s subjection. That seems to imply that the
husband’s duty is in response to the wife’s. That cannot be so. It’s sad,
really, that most couples view these responsibilities as kind
of a push-pull kind of a thing. That the wife says, I’ll submit
to you when or if you love me. Or the husband says, I’ll love
you when or if you submit to me. Someone has to break the log
jam. God doesn’t excuse either wives or husbands for neglecting
their part, their duty, simply because their spouse is not perfectly
modeling their respective duty. Even in the absence of perfect
love, the wife is to be subject. Even in the absence of subjection,
the husband is to love his wife. Well, the entire portion of this
passage, especially in Colossians, is focused on the husband-wife
relationship. We cannot gloss over the very
obvious point in the parallel passage in Ephesians. There,
Paul speaks of Christ’s love for his church. That’s the very
core of the gospel. that Jesus Christ took on flesh,
came to earth, lived a godly life, ultimately to be sacrificed
in atonement for our sin. Jesus Christ loved his church
enough to come for her and die for her and draw her to himself. Paul tells of the love that Christ
has for his church. that the church belongs to him
as his possession, purchased by his blood, leading to a beautiful
and unshakeable union. His church is his cherished bride. And that serves as a plea to
any and all who do not know the Savior to come to him for salvation. A marriage doesn’t stand a chance
without those participants in the marriage
being believers. Would you humble yourself before
him? Oh merciful God, we come before
you and we are immediately face to face with the impossible task
that we have. Our society certainly doesn’t
promote these things, these truths and principles. We know in our
own hearts, we bristle at them. We seem to want to wag our finger
at you because of what you have provided
that you can’t possibly know our circumstances, but you do.
Lord, we know that every husband is called to purely love his
wife and every wife is called to be in godly subjection to
her husband. Lord, for that we need your grace.
We plead with you for those of us who are repenting even now,
confessing our sin even at this moment. for the way that we’ve
treated our God-given spouse. Lord, it is not lost on us that
even nearly half of Christian marriages end in divorce. Lord,
we humble ourself before you and plead with you for the grace
to fulfill our duty to our God-given spouses, to love them as you love your church, to yield
to them as to a dear and loving friend. Lord, without Christ, without
the grace of God, how impossible that is. Lord, we do pray for
any in our midst, married or not, if they do not know the
Lord Jesus Christ, Lord, so move in their heart. Show them the
love of Christ. Remind them of what Christ did
for his people in coming and dying, even when they were dead
in their sins. Lord, draw them to yourself in
repentance and faith. We pray that you would be glorified
in that. We pray these things in Jesus’
name. Amen.